What Happens When I Regularly Meditate?: A Journal

Person walks through a stone labyrinth on a seaside cliff

My Intro to Meditation

Thanks to my amazing hippie parents, I was introduced to meditation at a very young age. Unfortunately, it came about after a very traumatic experience when I was nine years old and my brother was seventeen. We were driving from our home in the scenic Nebraska countryside to my brother's high school in the city for a play he was starring in. We never made it to the performance. My brother skidded on black ice (invisible ice) on the highway going sixty miles an hour and we crashed head-on with another vehicle. I can still remember the moments immediately before and after the wreck. I had hit my head on the dashboard of our 1988 Chevy Nova. I found myself in a sort of twilight state; not awake, not asleep. It reminded me of Dr. Strange when Tilda Swinton pushes Benedict Cumberbatch and his astral form explodes out of him and you see the glow. I remember I was not breathing and in my head, I said a prayer to kick-start it again. Immediately after finishing my prayer, my breathing began again and I awoke and looked around the scene of the wreck. I don't remember the moment of impact, but I had the feeling of being in a horrible dream. To my left, I saw my brother slumped over the steering wheel. I can remember someone saying "Ma'am? ma'am, are you alright?" All they could see was his bushy head of curls. I somehow managed to be pulled out through the passenger side window as a kind stranger brought me to his warm car on that cold December day. I made it through with a concussion, while my brother had to be life-flighted to the nearest hospital. He barely survived the night and spent two weeks in a medically induced coma. The next several years of my life were dedicated to taking care of my older brother who had suffered a traumatic brain injury. It ended with his passing in the middle of the night from a grand-mal seizure, seven years after the accident. In the interim, however, my devoted mother did everything she could to promote his healing. We went to every doctor and got second, third, and fourth opinions. We visited specialized clinics for brain-injured patients, even the Mayo Clinic. During this quest for answers, I was introduced to meditation.

We became friends with an amazing woman who was in her mid-60s at the time and was a yoga expert of sorts. She had been a dancer and performer her entire life, even cast in a movie with Elvis back in the day. She re-introduced the zen back into my life (after having gone through the trauma of the car accident) and ended our family yoga class with a guided meditation. I can remember being frustrated with all of the noises outside of the classroom of my dance studio. I remember her telling me that this was a part of life, and I had to learn to quiet the outer noises so that I could become calm in any environment. I later dropped this meditation thread and picked it back up several times throughout my life.

So here we are now in my mid-late thirties and I've rediscovered my passion for meditation. I have spent a lot of time scouring the internet for "what happens when we meditate regularly?," and I was dissatisfied with the results. I hope to provide a sort of journal for myself and others who may be interested. I will take note of the "side effects" of regular meditation.

A Calmer, Regulated Nervous System

The first thing I have noticed since beginning my regular meditation practice is that I don't feel that constant sense of "fight or flight." It made me realize how crappy I have felt for most of my life. I guess when you have a new way of feeling, you have something to compare your baseline to. This has been eye-opening for me. When I'm running late in the morning for carpool with the kids, it doesn't feel like the end of the world like it used to. Life continues, and maybe the whole world isn't judging me as a hot-mess mom like I thought.

A profound example of this was this past summer when we took a family trip to Chicago, something we have done many times. My husband, four kids, my mom, my dad, and my stepdad all went. We had a full itinerary of activities, and I had a brand-new baby. This would normally keep me on high alert the entire week, just full of anxiety about every little thing. It ended up being the best trip I've ever taken to Chicago. I felt so calm and in control, and the people had never been nicer to me!

Eagle flying in the clouds

I Receive "Downloads," or Intuitive Nudges

This has been one of my favorite results of regular meditation. I don't tend to have earth-shattering revelations, and I haven't been given the keys to the universe, but I intuit little things that are making my life better. It doesn't usually happen in the actual act of meditation but throughout my day. I am made aware of patterns that I have held onto that have kept me stuck. I have a greater understanding of how things work, what things are worth my time, and what is part of the larger distraction that keeps us all miserable and disconnected.

I will do a separate post for my experience with the third eye-opening, and what it means and what it doesn't.

My Heart Has Opened Up

I have found that the guided meditations that seem to resonate the most with me, and that I feel the most impact, are centered around the heart chakra. I will link some of my favorites at the bottom of this page. Although I try a variety of different types of meditation, even multiple in a single day, the guided heart meditations have provided me with profound peace. I'm talking peace that I have maybe never known before, or at least that I haven't felt since childhood, pre-accident. I was made aware of how judgmental I am, mostly of myself. And when you are judging yourself harshly all day long, you can bet that you are judging others. The people around you are only able to show you the version of themselves that you hold. For example, if you are judgmental and harsh, you can only bring out the judgmental and harsh versions of them. If you are loving and peaceful, the people around you will either change to become those versions of themselves (around you at least), or they will exit your life. It's amazing to me how the people around me have been affected by my meditations in the most wonderful way.

One example I will share is centered around my self-concept and my weight. I have struggled since the birth of my fourth child to lose weight. It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions for me. Sometimes I am just absolutely pissed off about it, and other times I am very loving of myself and understand that my body is still doing a whole lot to provide for my baby. I regularly exercise, and in fact the gym has been my salvation for my mental health. I also, for the most part, eat very cleanly but the scale just doesn't seem to budge. As I have been meditating I have gotten so much clarity on these negative beliefs I have about my weight. I have begun loving myself as I am and de-prioritizing the number on the scale. It hasn't been without some bumps in the road mind you, but this is a far cry from how I've looked at myself most of my life. I've never been a big girl until having these last two children, but I still never loved myself or how I looked. I think most women can relate to seeing ourselves in a harsher light than what others see. Loving yourself as you are is a very freeing experience.

Turning Away From Social Media and Materialism

This is probably an obvious consequence of regular meditation, but it has been interesting to observe. I find that I really do not enjoy wasting time on Instagram. I'm not drawn to it. I see through the veil of false realities that are being presented, and I have less and less of a desire to get on social media. If I do log on, it's to look at very specific and uplifting things. Maybe comedy clips of my favorite, Bill Hader (aka my cure for the gloomies), or looking up specific topics like energy work and Vibration, or my newfound love of "mid-size" women's styling accounts that make me feel better about my body. I feel less inclined to compare myself to others and get sucked into celebrity conspiracy theories. No judgment if you do!

Craving REAL Food

I've experienced this feeling after the birth of each of my children, but also since meditating regularly, I have found that artificial and processed foods gross me out. They just don't do it for me anymore. I don't get the high that I used to get from waiting until my kids go to bed to binge cookies or candy. I crave real, unprocessed foods that make my body feel good. It's like I want to keep my vibration high, including the foods I eat. I also have a desire to drink more water. It is said that as you raise your vibration, you start elevating everything in your life to nourish your body or vessel. You see your body not just as a meat sack used for schlepping around, but as a beautiful vessel for navigating this amazing planet. It's not about trying to lose weight or anything. It's just caring about how you feel and wanting to give your body those good things.

Brain Feels Quieter

I never knew how much my mind raced until I started meditating. It felt like I could not stop my brain, and any moment of quiet needed to be filled with television or my phone. I could never just sit quietly with no distractions and be present in the moment. Do you remember childhood? Remember being bored and having to come up with creative ways to entertain yourself? I remember life before cell phones and I happen to think our mental health as a society was much better. I can remember observing life more, looking up at the sky, and always being present. I see this in my children and it makes me want to let them be bored more often. Is it just a habit that we've formed? Or are we trying to further and further numb ourselves from pain or uncomfortable feelings? I don't have the answer, but I know that it feels really nice to be able to just sit in the carpool line with absolute silence in my brain. It's a breath of fresh air.

Social Situations Are Way Less Stressful

As a natural introvert, going into social situations usually drives my anxiety through the roof. I would feel like everyone was looking at me, judging me. I felt like I had to pretend to be someone else. Someone who was more put together and had their life in order. A real grown-up. I would always be on edge. Fidgeting and squirming in my seat. Forcing myself to talk to other people. It was like putting myself in a pressure cooker.

Just recently I took my six-year-old to a birthday party and I couldn't believe the difference in how I felt. I was calm, relaxed, and comfortable. I spent time playing and coloring with the other kids (where I am most happy) and I didn't feel that awkwardness that I was supposed to force myself to talk with the other adults. When I did talk to the other adults, I felt comfortable being 100% genuine. After a lifetime of feeling like I should be someone else, this has been an amazing experience that I wouldn't change for the world.

Feel Less "Squirmy"

This could technically fit under the "regulated nervous system" category, but I felt there were some differences and it deserved its own distinct paragraph.

I think a lot of us can relate to the feeling that if we were just in the "right" career, living in the "right" place, with the "right" amount of money we would be happy. Happiness is always kept just out of reach. For me, I have switched jobs more times than I can count. I have started and stopped careers all over the place, and each time it was like "THIS is the one I'm SUPPOSED to be doing. I got it now." Then inevitably the momentum runs out and I am on to the next thing. It's a very "squirmy" feeling. Like I just cannot BE where I am. I can't possibly be doing the right thing. It's out there somewhere, I just haven't found it yet. All of this is of course nonsense. When I started regularly meditating I became aware that my inner voice 99% of the time was just me telling myself that everything I was doing was wrong. That's a pretty good reason to be exhausted and feel defeated. It was sabotaging everything in my life. I was so used to hearing that inner voice that I didn't even realize it was there anymore until it stopped. This is one of the many ways that meditation has improved my life. Slowly and gently lovingly, making me aware of what was hurting me so that I could make changes to my life.